I am here to tell you the bare naked truth. Not just on this post but on my blog in general. Pinky swear. Seriously, I think waaayyy too many people (moms in particular) try to sugar coat this whole motherhood/parenting journey thing. Let FB or IG tell it and one would believe each day is filled with roses and unicorns when in reality there are plenty of stink bombs, diaper explosions and mine fields to go around.
One of the things that I find people avoiding is the conversation about sex…not just any sex though I’m talking about the sex that happens post-baby. My husband and I laugh often about our new sexual plight, now that there is another baby in the house. It is in fact quite comical. I am willing to bet that many of you will be nodding in agreement as you read the next few lines. And for those of you expecting or planning for the future, I’m just being honest because your best friend won’t be. Nope. She rather you walk into this whole thing blindly as her silent revenge to the universe.
So here it goes…4 UNSEXY things about sex after baby.
- The Baby Monitor Soundtrack – These new baby monitors are so friggin cool! We have a great one too; by Motorola. It has night vision. You can even talk to the baby through it. It came with two cameras so it can toggle between the baby’s room and toddler’s room automatically. It was totally worth the $199 we spent for it. BUT when it comes down to sexy time it is the WORST. What used to be the soft sultry sexy sounds of the latest R&B crooners is replaced by the soft crackling static like noises of the baby monitor. I know what you’re saying “TURN IT OFF!” But oh no my dears, as a new parent (especially a new mom) the baby monitor is like a security blanket. It’s how you sneak a quick peek at your baby and make sure he/she is still breathing. It’s how you know the baby isn’t being smothered by that cute giraffe you put in the crib or that his/her feet isn’t stuck between the bed rails. These things happen you know? You really really want to turn it off but you just can’t. Even during sexy time. It’s a mental picture and audio reminder that does NOT set the mood AT ALL! I wish I had a solution for this problem. If it makes you feel better I will admit that this is waaayyy better than sex with the baby in the bassinet in your room! HA!
- DATE Night – I probably should have started with this one because in order to even find yourself in the position above you have to actually make it to the point of doing the deed. In our house we call it DATE night. Not to be confused with date night which is actually going out of the house without the cute little crumb snatchers to enjoy adult conversation and some new scenery. Why did we have to give it a name you ask? I’m getting there. Be patient. We gave it a name because 9 times out of 10 when the new baby arrives you actually have to make advanced plans for sex!! You read that correctly. Long gone are the spontaneous sex days now you have to schedule sex; sometimes hours in advance or it may not happen. We found it easier to do this by giving “it” the name “DATE night”. We can be at the dinner table with the kids and one of us literally says I think tonight might be a winner for DATE night! Aww shucks! Translation: let’s divide and conquer. Let’s flip a coin and decide who gets the 3 year old and who takes the baby. (sidebar: flipping a coin is a must when dealing with toddlers. They always have lots of reason for not bathing, not dressing and not getting in bed that will require much patience). Shoot I lost. Alright I got child A. You take child B. Let’s get them bathed and in bed before 8:30pm. If you do the dishes I will clean the living room/play room. We will have until 9:30pm to finish any work we didn’t get done today or waste time on Facebook. We will then take turns showering. We will then both fall asleep on the couch for a required pre-sexy-time nap until around 11:30ish. And then we will be officially READY FOR DATE NIGHT!!!!! Cue the fireworks! Now wasn’t that a sexy scenario?!?
- The Boobs Have It – I personally could have never imagined that boobs could be a problem. Ain’t nobody told me nothing! No one even whispered to me about this small issue; not even when I was pregnant and clearly couldn’t change my mind. But alas, after baby your boobs become the least sexy body part! For one, if you are nursing your boobs are probably huge, heavy and sore. Secondly, there is a baby that is hungry what feels like every minute of the day so he or she is constantly nursing on said boobs. By the time DATE night rolls around you are in no way interested in any close contact with your boobs. Not to mention at any given moment these same boobs may spring a leak. How romantic! It’s all chemistry…the hormone oxytocin which is responsible for the milk let-down feature is also the same hormone that is released during sexual stimulation and orgasm. Well hot damn! Bottom line unless no one cares about the milk feature…mommy has to wear a bra or cami with nursing pads…now that my friends is the definition of UNSEXY. NEXT!
- Coitus Interruptus – I laughed typing that. And I know what you’re thinking but I’m not referring to the traditional definition here. This is a little different. Let’s see how can I put this? I guess I should just come out and say it. There is an EXTREMELY HIGH probability that your baby will be a natural born sex blocker. A little pint size HATER of canoodling. I would even go so far as to say they have a sixth sense of when the stars have aligned for you to finally spend quality time together. He/she will start stirring or even crying as soon as you assume the salsa in the sheets position and establish a rhythm. Of course going in you will think that you’ve picked the right moment because he/she was just fed and is sleeping comfortably BUT THEN suddenly through that crackling static like sound of the baby monitor you hear crying. You try to ignore it. Stay focused! You issue a quick prayer that he/she will soothe themselves back to sleep. You want to refocus but either the crying doesn’t stop or it stops too suddenly and someone has to look at the monitor to see what’s going on. If you’re at my house you have to make some quick decisions because you know you have a 5min window from when the crying will turn to wailing and you risk waking up the toddler. Then you’ll be forced to deal with two baby blockers! It’s no use. Accept your fate. Someone is going to have to bolt from the bed stark-naked to replace a pacifier. You rock-paper-scissor it out to see just who it will be. If you’re lucky the baby settles quickly and the other person hasn’t fallen asleep when you return and you pick up where you were uh…interrupted!
Sex after baby can be VERY challenging to say the least. And just like most other things in your life post-baby you’re going to have to adapt to your new normal. The good thing is I hear it’s temporary. Rumor has it that as the children age it gets easier to sneak in the time that you need for a good old-fashioned SEXY DATE night. Until then, learn to laugh at your fumbles and mishaps and just keep the party going!
Daddy Disclaimer: Please note that at minimum you probably will wait 6-8wks before any sex after the birth of your baby. It CAN be longer depending on a lot of factors (c-section, episiotomy, hormones/libido, sleep deprivation, etc). Your wife will let you know when it’s time. Be patient. (the husband made me add this disclaimer for full disclosure :))